Feb 6

Feb 6 How Tina coped with a double life-stage whammy

I first encountered Tina, 53, on Instagram, where she writes with admirable honesty about becoming an empty-nester after over 20 years as a stay-at-home mum. I wonder how much of what she says about the impact of her children flying the nest at a particularly challenging time for her personally, and what she felt and did as a result, chimes with you the way it did with me?

"I absolutely loved being a stay at home mum to my three children, now aged 24, 22 and 19. It was, and is, the best job I’ve ever done.

I loved spending time with them, being creative with them, watching them play sport, hearing about their days. Don’t get me wrong, it was exhausting and infuriating too. But I felt that less than the joy moments.

Now I’m facing being a fully fledged empty-nester

Now the 19 year old is on his gap year and will be off to university in September, the middle one is at university and the eldest is working and living in London. So whilst I have two who are still coming and going from home, I’m firmly facing being a fully fledged empty nester.

And it has, quite unexpectedly, hit me like a bus.

It was the lack of things to do at the weekend that I felt most keenly. I could keep myself busy Monday to Friday, but Saturday would come, and my husband and I would look at each other and say ‘Oh, no rugby to go and watch today’ or ‘no netball to watch’. And that, to me, was the big shock.

Why I think it has affected me so badly

Obviously I knew this stage would come, so I couldn’t think why it was affecting me so badly. Now I think some of the problem is that it also coincided exactly with the onset of my menopause, so the roller coaster of emotions has been more than I could sometimes deal with.

The worst bit was the tears

The way my menopause affected me was that I didn’t sleep and I was incredibly tearful. That was the worst bit, the tears. I cried at everything. And my confidence took a real knock. It bewildered both me and my husband, but he was incredibly understanding and I was completely open and honest about it from day one, to both him and the kids.

We need to talk openly about the menopause

I think being open about menopause and talking about it affects us is really important. It really helps. I do think that’s easier now than it was even two or three years ago. It’s not the taboo subject it used to be, especially in our mothers day. And men are better at accepting that it’s going to be talked about, which I think helps them as well, because they can understand better the struggles we have. And let’s face it, they’re often in the firing line! So the more these conversations evolve, the better it is for them and for the women going through it.

The other thing I’ve done to help distract me

The other thing I’ve done to help distract me from the hole the children have left, is to start a gifting and homeware company called Mushroom London. The idea for it began because people so often came to my house and said, “oh, I love your home and how you’ve decorated it. You should sell things like this.” So that’s what I started doing.

Hopefully I’m helping other people

The blog and Instagram account that have grown from the Mushroom website were never part of the plan, it’s just evolved. But I’ve always love writing, it comes very naturally to me and I’ve come to realise it gives me a platform to get the message across, and hopefully help other people.

The response I got from the first couple of blogs I wrote was overwhelming. So now it’s become not just something that’s filling my time, but something that gives me focus and enables me to support other people in the same situation.

My advice if you’re in the same situation

My advice to anyone who’s children have left home after years of being a stay at home mum is first - congratulations. Because if your kids have flown the nest happy and prepared for whatever comes their way, then you’ve done a great job and you’ve got it right. So don’t forget that, and give yourself a good pat on the back.

Now it’s time to concentrate on yourself for a change. Think of it as act two of the play, where you’re going to be centre stage.”

Have your children flown the nest? And are you going through, or have been through, the menopause? What are you doing or did you do to cope?