Jul 4

Jul 4 The joy of inter-age friendships

On holiday in Portugal with my younger (far right) and considerably younger (middle) friends

My recent trip to Portugal has proved to be the holiday gift that has kept on giving. First because it was such a lovely time and treat, obviously. But also because it was the inspiration for THIS BLOG recommending the restorative delights of short breaks (I was away for four days), and then, as my host was a good friend (and former work colleague) who is fourteen years younger than me, because it has also been the prompt for this one.

Looking at my inter-age friendships, I realise I’ve had friends of different ages to me throughout my life, from the older swimmers in my club during my young teenage years, to the children of friends who have joyously become friends to me in their own right as they’ve grown into adulthood, to the 98 year old whose friendship is as important to me as the guidance and mentoring she has given me over the many years I’ve been lucky enough to know her.

What underpins all these precious friendships is that fundamentally the age difference makes no difference to our relationships and the joy they bring me (I’m hopeful that goes for my various younger and older friends too). But there are particular ways in which our contrasting ages bring an extra layer of richness to the connection between us, as Heydayer Charline has also found: “I’m 60 and my 30 year old friend Ashley feels like my daughter. We have loads to talk about as we go for walks. Jeanine is my morning walking partner. She is 10 years older than I am but we get on so well. She has grownup grandchildren and I don’t have any and I love hearing her interactions with them.”

A different perspective

One of the most significant elements of inter-age friendships are the different perspectives that anyone who has either lived longer, or less time, but in different times. I treasure the stories, advice and life-learned attitudes of my older friends, who have often been through situations I’m only just starting to navigate. Whilst my younger friends challenge and refresh my views and opinions, and are invaluable sources of sometimes much-needed tech-savviness.

Living and learning

There are myriad ways I learn from my different age friends, and not just when I’m grappling with technology. One of my older friends is a super-talented gardener and a frequently turned-to repository of advice and no-don’t-prune-that-now wisdom which has certainly saved many of the plants in my garden from my incompetence. Another of the younger friend cohort is a doctor and endlessly generous and patient with his medical wisdom and reassurance.

Just as it’s a mistake to make general assumptions that older people are out of touch and younger ones are inexperienced, so the same goes for friendships. At turbulent times in my life I’ve been steadfastly supported and wisely advised by friends considerably younger than me, whilst there have been older ones who have given me a much-needed boot up the backside when I’ve found myself in a slump.

The attitude-not-age aspect of different-age friendships is one that Heydayer Carol can attest to. “One very good friend of mine is 87 (14 years older than me). We met when I was 21. The age of most of my friends is mostly 9 years younger than me, but they’re all youngsters at heart.”

Shared experiences

Shared interests and experiences are a wonderfully bonding way to form and cement inter-age friendships. I’ve been lucky enough to become friends with many people through activities and work I’ve done over the years. There are younger and older work colleagues with whom our professional relationship has blossomed into an outside-of-work friendship (see intro para).

Especially treasured amongst those is the now decades long friendship with the woman who was my self-appointed mentor in my first editing job, on the M&S Magazine (the 98 year old referred to above). A titan of the publishing world, she took me under her fiercely directed wing (her dissection of each issue of the magazine was unfailingly, and at times brutally, honestly delivered. I hated feeling I’d let her down when she criticised something, and always delighted - and relieved - with any positive feedback.) You can read more about her HERE.

I have my years working alongside the magnificent team at Women of the Year to thank for many friendships with women older and younger that mean the world to me, including several who are staunch supporters of Heydays for which I’m endlessly grateful. Now frankly unbelievably in her ninth decade (making her 80, just to be clear) THIS is one of them.

Sport, exercise and creative activities have also been rich sources of different age friendships. There’s the younger friend who joined the upholstery class at the same time as me and with whom I shared the fun and frustration of learning how to transform furniture. All the different age friends I sing alongside in my wonderful local Rock Choir (sometimes even in tune at the same time!) and the older, and apparently effortlessly far more bendy than me friend who I met during the three years I persevered with yoga classes before discovering pilates.

Looking backwards and forwards

Inter-age friendships give you the chance to celebrate life’s milestones looking both forwards and back. You can relish the the excitement of a younger friend graduating or succeeding in their work ambitions, the joy of an older one welcoming a new grandchild, or the shared triumph when one of you hits a personal goal. These special moments feel all the richer shared with friends who truly understand their significance, even if, or more likely exactly because, they and you are at different stages in life.

Not long before Covid I was introduced to a group of women, the youngest of them just a couple of years younger than me, the oldest over ten years my senior, who shared my interest in living well into older age and challenging the narrative around ageing. We are scattered across the UK and North America and some of us have only ever ‘met’ via our regular Zoom calls (weekly throughout Covid, monthly now), but the friendships we have formed are unaffected by the distance or age difference between us, and a constant source of inspiration, guidance, support and fun.

The depth that inter-age friendships offer is unlike that of same age ones. My feeling is that’s to do with the sense of history and continuity they provide. Knowing that you’re part of a broader narrative. It’s comforting to have friends who have seen the world change and can offer wisdom that stands the test of time. Just as the younger friends who see the world with fresh eyes and enthusiasm, give you hope for the future.